life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
