Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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