The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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