Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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