so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
