I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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