Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
