I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
