does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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