we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
