Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
