return my video game
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
