i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
