Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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