i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
