If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
