I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
