When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Semen is not good for contacts.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
