there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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