It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
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This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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