Who did Billy Mays play for?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
