please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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