I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
