I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I got inside last night via doggy door
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
