Sponge bath it is.
I cannot find my penis.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
