Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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