dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
