the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
