I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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