Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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