Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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