Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
