Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
