I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Randomize
