I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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