I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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