I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The struggles of a small town man whore
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
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