Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
