Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
