he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
