I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
