I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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