soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
