we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
