i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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