I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
