Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
