My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
