I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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