The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
