Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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