I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Randomize
