I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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