I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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