i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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