Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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