I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
