you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
