Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
