i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
You did what with his pubic hair?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
